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streak43452
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read my profile
sign my guestbook
Interests: 4-H, computers, Junior Fair Board, Junior Leadership, Camp Counselor, 4-H Advisory Committee, etc., etc.
Expertise: Ummmm...yeah
Occupation: Computer related
Industry: Computers (Internet)
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
8/28/2003
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| I've decided that until I figure out a way to silence the arguements
and issenting opinions in my head I'm not going to bed...this should be
fun
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| I...need...to...go...to...bed...and stop using so many fucking periods
in my posts because it makes me sound like an indecisive prick...but a
cute one, hehe. Oh, and even though I really haven't learned what
life is yet, I've found someone who makes me want to find out at any
day, time, season, or any anything really...and to think that she's my
best friend too...sometimes I don't know how I do these
things...*sighs* I love that girl more than anything else and the best
part is...it's mutual...so enough of the warm happy feelings, Nick
needs sleep and a good, hard kick in the ass ( and it's pronounced
"ki-ick" for everyone who didn't learn English gooder in school) so
with that all said, I'm spent...errr...off to bed
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| gah...Spring Break...hehe, I thought Spring Break was supposed to be
good times where you relaxed and just kinda took some time for
yourself...apparently I'm wrong...ever since my last exam all I've
heard from my parents is "you need to get a job"...in case those of you
don't know, I have a job...actually I have a job and do a lot of mini
jobs here and there just to pay for gas...but ya..."you need to get a
job"...it's really starting to piss me off
so, my mother comes home today and look at me and says quite nasty
actually "so, you go anywhere today?" I told her no...she just
kinda gave me this look and then said "Are you planning on going
somewhere today?" to which I said no again and then asked if she was
talking about jobs...I really didn't have to ask, she was. I told
her that I was working on my resume, contacts, etc. and she kinda
backed off a little bit but she asked if I was going to go somewher and
do an interview tommorrow...god damn it...if she wants me out of the
house so bad why doesn't she just say it?
I'm tired of this bullshit...I mean, hell, my last exam was Wednesday
and then Thursday when she came home from work she yelled at me for not
going to get a job anywhere like I'm just supposed to leave, go
somewhere say that I want a job, and they're supposed to hire me.
I mean, what the fuck? I realize that I need to get another job
but I've only had 2 days where I really could even go out and look,
including today...2 days. 2 days which I spent looking for jobs
the first and then writing and cleaning shit up today and she acts like
I'm fucking useless...I'm tired of this shit. No wonder my older
brother hates her...I'm starting to...she just gets on my case way to
damn much and then expects me to take it all and do her bidding because
I came from her...hell, I'm pretty sure I'm a mistake but anyways...9
nine years seperation from my older brother...ya...that was planned
*rolls eyes*...anyways I better get back to either putting the dishes
away or doing the clothes or cleaning the rooms or something before I
get a talk about not being a productive son and just being a general
pain in the ass
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| so...I guess you're here because either A: you stumbled across this or
B) you were sent here by some freak of the internet but either
way...you're here.
ya...I know this is cliche but you want to know about me, huh?
Well...if you don't then I suggest you just stop reading here.
For as long as I can remember I've hated who I am. I hate how I
look, I hate how things always go better in my head than in real life,
I hate how no matter what I do, no matter what I try, life doesn't seem
to change. In my mind I'm still the fat kid in class that was in
the band, was unpopular, felt like he was just a worthless piece of
human meat living out some sort of life that really only existed so
that he may let other people live to become better people. I feel
like my whole life has been a joke. I've done so much for other
people that I've forgotten about myself and I've wasted what life I've
lived so far and there's no possible way that I could get this
back. I'm a failure...and not a failure on a small scale but I've
failed at life, itself.
It's kinda funny...even when I look at myself in the mirror...the way I
am today...I still see that kid from Freshman year in High School that
used to keep quiet and do all his homework and hang out with the
band/science kids...and had no talent with the ladies. Mind you,
this whole "no talent with the ladies" is probably felt by most guys at
that age but I seriously felt like shit about that. Not only do I
wear glasses, I have teeth that no matter what I do or what I can do,
they won't be the way I'd like them to be. I don't have self
esteem...never have, and if statistics are right, I never will.
For as long as I can remember I've hated myself. I've wasted my
life...trying to live is just a farce at the moment...and ya, maybe
it's teenage angst, but...I'm not as optimistic.
I've always talked, argued, and held conversations with myself.
If you ask some of the people that knew me when I was much younger, I'd
often do it out loud but ever since about 6th grade I've kept it all
inside, eating at my brain during the day like one gnaws on a popcorn
ball. I...I'm pretty sure that there's something wrong with me
but I'll never go to a doctor about it. Why? Well...in my
mind just by going to a doctor, they'll care about me...and if they're
caring about me they're not out there enjoying their lives and families
or whatever...by helping me they're setting themselves back...and it's
hard to think back to why this all has came to be...well, for the first
time...I'm thinking about actually telling all about my life...and
there's some interesting stuff in it...I guess, I don't know...but
since you want to know more about me, I'll start at the beginning.
My first real memory is back before I went to kindergarten...or it was
during kindergarten...it's hard to remember but anyways, I used to go
to this one trailer to be babysat in the mornings and sometimes through
out the day. Well, I remember sitting there in the living room of
the trailer and sitting facing away from the tv screen playing with
some metal toy tractors or cars or something . Anyways, I
remember hearing something on the screen and turning around to see what
it was...well, apparently the guy that was watching me at the time
didn't want me to see that because he just started yelling "don't look
at the tv!" all the while as he sat in his recliner. I did manage
to see a little bit of what was playing and it was on of the Puppeteer
movies...but anyways, he basically kept yelling and yelling...good
times. I mean, ya, it's no biggie but I guess that leads up to
the next part...the man wasn't alone in the trailer...
There was a woman there too and thinking back now I guess it kinda
makes some sense that she was there and how they both acted
but...anyways...One day I stayed there during the day and I remember
having tacos for lunch. The tacos were just hard shelled ones but
she put some meat, cheese and then lettuce on them. I wasn't the
biggest fan of lettuce and said that I didn't want any. Well, she
made me tacos and there was lettuce on them so what did I do?
Exactly what any other kid would do...I started to pull the lettuce off
the taco and just put it on the plate...but apparently this wasn't the
right thing to do because my next memory is of that lady with her hand
halfway in my mouth saying "eat the lettuce!" and forcing me to
eat...told my parents about that one and it wasn't long that I wasn't
there any longer.
Of course, during that time I also was picked on almost constantly from
the older kids who were probably in like 3rd grade but still...the one
day they wouldn't let me play with them or anything and they were in
this clubhouse kinda thing made of wood...well, one of the action
figures they were playng with fell down between the holes and I was
down there so I picked it up and climbed up to give it to them...one of
the boys thought something like I was taking it or something, anyways I
was pretty much hit multiple times and the thing was taken out of my
hands...I didn't do much the rest of the day except try to teach myself
how to blow bubbles in bubble gum (which took my until freshman
year...beside the point) and I waited to be picked up.
When Brandon and my mother came, I told my older brother Brandon about
what happened and I'll never forget what happened after that...Brandon
marched right up to that kid, ripped the kid's shirt and shoved him
down into the mud...hehe...thanks again Brandon!
...to be continued after I find something to eat
<><><>Applesauce...yummy<><><>
alright, well after that fiasco of a daycare center we found another
place, this time it was in the Presbyterian Church or however the hell
it's spelled, and this time by certified people. Those were
argueably the best days I had as a kid. We always had blocks to
build and play with, plenty of books, a big thing to play on outside
with a tire swing, games and other kids my age...life was good...well,
up until one of the kids decided to wrap the phone on one of the
playsets around my neck and choke me until someone came and made him
stop...good times indeed.
well, once I started going to daycare at the church, I started up
school...and boy was that interesting. I went K-6 at Portage
Elementary in Gypsum, Ohio and those were interesting times. I'll make
this easy and basically just tell what happened grade by grade
Kindergarten - I was dumb as fuck...couldn't remember anything, saw a
girl throw up right next to me, met a friend of mine's mom as I had to
tell her where I lived (I couldn't), write out each letter of the
alphabet multiple times which is when I wrote on really big so that the
teacher could see it (because I figured we wrote it a bunch of times so
that she could see them), and basically just hung out...I remember
playing with the kitchen set things a lot because for some reason or
another they just seemed surreal...but whatever
1st - Ahh, first grade. Early on in first grade I suffered what
was most likely a minor concussion when I fell about 8 feet onto the
top of my skull. After that, however, I began to actually learn
and I was able to do things at an alarming pace...I became a human
sponge for knowledge. This was all fine and dandy up until the
one day that we had a sub...we went on a bathroom break...well, one of
the guys thought it would have been a good idea to slam the bathroom
door on my foot...I yelled...I was drug back to the classroom by my ear
which, by the way, hurts like hell.
2nd - we started doing a lot of things...learned cursive...had a
teacher who would later be diagnosed as clinically depressed and kooky
as all hell...friend of mine's cousin dies in a car accident...yup...
3rd - I was put into the TAG (Talented And Gifted) Program and started
leaving class to go to another classroom with other students and learn
advanced material...I can remember doing different things from
presentations to meeting an author of a book we read and getting her to
sign personalized copies for everyone...everyone except for me that
is...somehow I was forgotten...but anyways, this was my first year in
4-H and we had a small club that started in the school...it was
interesting...I've been hooked since.
4th - not much really happened...met Stacey Stetler...the first girl to
kiss me...and remained friends with her for a long time...went to a
dairy farm for a school project...oh ya, was told off by this girl
Jenny because I commented on a rose colored crayon and she took that as
I liked her and that I was disgusting, she didn't like me, that it was
dumb, etc. etc. etc.
5th - nothing really...got glasses...told someone a dream that I had
which was really weird and it spread through the 5th grade (at that
time it seemed like the world) and I was made into a total freak...good
times...oh, and dodgeball which I totally rocked at...fuck ya,
dodgeball!
6th - nothing too much...first time I cursed because I was threatened
by some fellow students to do it...way to not have a back bone,
Nick. nothing too big happened here at all...except that on of my
teachers was the Wrestling coach for the high school and I liked him so
it made me want to get into wrestling...oh ya, and I forgot about
this...in 6th grade I recieved my black belt in Brazilian Ju-Jitsu and
became a student instructor for the Wing Chun Do dojo in Port
Clinton...my instructor , that year I believe, became the world
champion...but he also seemed to like to cheat on his wive(s) with the
mothers of kids...thankfuly not mine but ya...he was a pig
7th grade - this is where I think the shit officially hit the fan...I
came into this school not really a total loser but really just an
unknown kid so it wasn't too bad...I became a Tuba in the band which
both saved and hurt me as it was because of this that I became an
outcast. I remember I used to sit up with some of the "cool" kids
and hang out with them before school as we had to sit in the
auditorium...well, one of the kids that hung out there was well named
Josh, also was a Tuba in the band and he hated me with a passion since
I was first chair...well, he starts shit with me everday during band
and keeps trying to make my life hell...well, the one day he pushed me
too far so what did I do? I set his chair on the crack between
the stands so that when he sat down, Tuba in hand, he'd fall back...man
was he pissed when that happened...hehehe...pwned bizzatch
Well, because I did that, he started spreading around rumours about me
and whatnot...I became a social outcast...for the next month or so I
sat by myself in the mornings...this, however, is not nearly as bad as
what was to come...getting stabbed in the leg with a pencil and then
being punished for it by sitting by myself for 2 months...getting
choked by a kid the day of honors assembly with my own tie...in the
bathroom...and then after he pushed me into an empty classroom...good
times...Sure, I met some friends and things like that but we never
really became close...I never really had a best friend...or good
friend...just different friends...I never hung out with them besides at
school...yup, I was officially a loser.
I almost forgot to mention the most important part of this grade...and
I still don't think I'm ready to say anything about what happened...I
started this whole entry with the thought of suicide...I wouldn't ever
do it because I'd feel bad for the people woh'd have to clean my body
up...but also to come clean about that and...and I just can't bring
myself to do it...there's only 5 people in the world, including me,
that know this secret of mine...I don't think I'm ready to put that on
the world...I'm sorry...I really am...I know I've just led up to this
and I'm ending it but...gah...I just can't...
The End....................(?)
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| Christmas entry
I know I hven't posted in over a month now but it's Christmas time and
from talking to some friends I feel the need to. Christmas...it's
the holiday that shows the true selflessness of giving to another human
being and wanting nothing in return...neighbors exchange gifts with one
another, people donate gifts to random people they've never met before,
and yet other raise money for those who don't earn as much as others so
that they can enjoy this holiday too...Damn, Christmas is a wonderful
thing.
Yet, it's lost it's meaning for me and other in my family. No
longer is it a holiday that brings joy but merely represents a hollow
shell of a day that used to represent happiness and joy to the
world. Yes, I know that many people suffer from "seasonal
depression" but I do not believe myself to be. It's sad to look
at the current "Christmas tree" that is in the house I live in.
No longer is it a massive tree abundant with ornaments and tinsel but
now it's merely a stick with a few lights and some small
ornaments...one strand of lights is all it can take...presents can't
really even fit underneath it...yet another shell of Christmas past.
On Christmas Eve, my older brother and I were sitting around talking
when he said something about the holiday having lost it's meaning and I
realized that I'm not the only person to feel that way...For those of
you who don't know, My mother is Jewish and Baptist and my Father is
Methodist. This, as some of you can assume, makes for interesting
traditions (or lack thereof.) I think what has caused all of this
is actually my father and mother not really knwoing what to do during
the holidays. We used to play traditional Jewish music and games
during Hanukah and then just save all the presents for Christmas.
Now, we barely have Christmas and Hanukah has dropped from our
lives. Shit, we buy gifts for each other but for the last few
years I've wanted nothing...nothing at all.
Call it my way of thinking but to burden someone else with a loss of
monetary funds just because it's a holiday seems stupid for me to ask
of...however, I'm more than willing to buy presents for other
people...I don't know, Christmas seems like it's only in name
anymore...I don't feel any different, and truthfuly I didn't even care
that it was here. I just wish I knew what to do about
Christmas...and I'm just thankful that I can turn to my friend Allison
with whatever I'm thinking no matter the time or day...maybe that's
what I'm really thankful for and what I actually
want...friendships. Sure, most of you who are reading this are
friends of mine but I think that's all that I can ever ask for...I
don't know...
now I'm rambling on and I can't really see the screen too
well so I'm ending this post prematurely...maybe I'll get back to it
later but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.
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